February 11, 2014


Richard paused at his door. "Just wait in the hallway for a sec."

I leaned against the wall. "Why?"

Richard jammed his key in the lock. "Because I have to hide the dead body, Josie." He gave me a wink over his shoulder before he closed the door behind him. I felt my phone vibrate in my coat pocket and I pulled it out to see a text from Nina. 'Now you know why I wanted you to stay.'

I bit back a smile. The entire cab ride to Richard's apartment, I'd been toggling between giddiness and annoyance. I couldn't deny that I was happy that Richard had shown up, declared his love for me in his intense Richard way, but I was still bothered by the way he could so easily go radio silent on me. I'm realizing his volatility is part of what attracts me to him, but it's also not the most stable foundation on which to build a relationship. Still, the vagina wants what the vagina wants.

Richard opened the door and stuck his head out into the hallway. "Okay."

I stepped inside his apartment. There was a Patsy's pie and a bottle of wine on the ground, surrounded by candles. I stooped and opened the box. "And you even got me..."

"Extra sauce for dipping," Richard said.

I couldn't help it—my chin started to wobble.

Richard sighed and sat down next to me. "I'm a real shit sometimes."

I wiped underneath my eyes. "Five days, Richard." I looked at him. "I'm sorry I just showed up here like I did, but honestly, what the fuck?"

"I don't have an excuse for myself," Richard said. "I have an explanation, but not an excuse." He poured me a glass of wine and handed me a plate with a slice of pizza and a container of sauce for dunking. Nina once told me I use food as a vehicle to get condiments and sauces into my mouth, and she is absolutely right. Some people say everything is better with bacon, I say everything's better with dip.

I inhaled the slice of pizza, and then another. I had so much anxiety about Richard over the last few days that I'd been too worked up to eat, and I was suddenly ravenous. I was out of breath by the time I finished the second slice. I wiped my mouth with a napkin and took a beat. "So what is it?" I asked, finally. "What is it you need to tell me?"

Richard rubbed his hands on his knees. "The only people who know this about me are people who know me from home. And not because I told them, but because the grapevine on Long Island is fierce. It's part of the reason I hate going back there. I can't even walk down the street without people staring at me."

I took a sip of my wine. "Did you kill someone or something?"

One side of Richard's mouth twitched up. "No."

"Then whatever it is, I can handle it."

Richard took a deep breath, and then the truth came out. Every last ugly detail.

Richard's father made a killing on Wall Street in the 80s, and he was able to retire a very wealthy man in his early forties. Richard had a picturesque childhood. He lived in a beautiful old mansion in Oyster Bay, and he spent his summers at the family beach home in East Hampton and Christmas at the family lodge in Vail. Richard's father met his mother at a party in New York—she was a wild child who knew how to have a good time and throw a killer party. No one realized she had a drinking problem...until Richard's sister was born. "Abby just wasn't developing properly," Richard said, "and there was something off," he waved his hand over his face, "here."

When Abby was four years-old, she was diagnosed with fetal alcohol syndrome. "My mom was forced to come clean about how much she had been drinking during her pregnancies," Richard said. "And it wasn't just a glass of wine here and there, like her doctor said she could have. She was drinking every day, sometimes all day. I don't know how I'm okay, but thank God I am."

Richard's father filed for divorce upon learning the truth. "It was ugly," Richard said. "My dad," he sighed and put his head in his hands, "it's so complicated. My dad has every right to be angry and to feel betrayed and devastated for my sister and what her life could have been. But that wasn't what his anger was about. It was about my mom, that she dared to cross him like that." He traced his finger around the base of his wine glass. "My father is not a man you betray, or someone you say no to. He will ruin you, and that's exactly what he did to my mom. Because she caused bodily harm to my sister, his lawyers argued that she shouldn't receive alimony, and they also filed for sole custody—which my father got." Richard clenched his hands. "He hired the most powerful legal team in New York, and all my mom could afford was the local, small town divorce lawyer. She didn't stand a chance."

Richard was eleven when the divorce was finalized. "My mom moved into this crappy apartment and got a waitressing job." He smirked. "Lots of waitressing jobs, actually. She couldn't hold anything down. She was a functioning alcoholic when she met my dad, and she hid it well. She stopped trying to hide it after she lost custody of us though."

Richard didn't see his mom again until he was sixteen years-old, when he finally got his license and could sneak off to her place once a week. "My father would have killed me if he knew," Richard said. "Would have iced me out of my trust too."

I raised my eyebrows. "Your trust?"

Richard nodded. "It was set up in a way that I would receive monthly payments starting at the age of twenty-five—and only if I graduated from college, which I did, obviously. I would have liked to tell my father to go fuck himself, but, my mom...." he trailed off with a sigh.

"You wanted to help her," I guessed.

Richard looked at me. In the candlelight, his pupils were enormous and glossy. "I know I'm enabling her," he said, "but you don't even understand the conditions she was living in. I couldn't stand seeing her like that. So I sucked it up and played nice with my dad to get the money, and then I set her up in a new apartment." He shrugged. "I do use some of that money for myself, I'm not going to lie. After everything," his voice trembled, "I think I fucking deserve it."

"But you never even see your dad," I said, "I don't understand how this is playing nice with him."

Richard rolled his eyes. "My dad is remarried. I have two step brothers who are like your typical date rape-y former Princeton LAX bros. He loves them. He doesn't really want to be reminded of his life with my mom. Meaning the less he sees of me and Abby, the better. I just don't do anything to piss him off, like tell him what a massive asshole he is. That's all it takes to play nice with him."

I found his hand on the floor and squeezed it. "You could have told me this sooner, Richard."

Richard withdrew his hand from mine. "That's not all." He stared at the floor as he continued. "Last summer, I paid for my mom to enter an inpatient rehab program. We made a deal. If she completed the program, I would buy her a car. She was complaining that she couldn't get around, but I couldn't trust her with a car with the way she drinks." His jaw tightened. "I really thought she was better. I never would have gotten her that car if I didn't believe that."

Last week, Richard's mom swerved into oncoming traffic and collided head on with another car. "My mom was fine. Just bumps and bruises. But the woman she hit? They didn't know if she was going to make it. She was in a medically induced coma up until yesterday."

I put my hand over my mouth. "Have you been on Long Island all week?"

Richard nodded. "Dealing with this. Bailing my mom out of jail. Finding her a lawyer." He ran his fingers through his hair. "We still have a mess in front of us, but I am just so relieved that this woman is going to make it. I don't think I could live with myself if it had gone another way."

We sat in silence for a few moments. I had so many questions that I didn't even know where to begin. "So your sister? You said she's married and living in Florida? How is that...possible, if she's not all there?"

"It's hard to explain," Richard said. "Abby knows she's different. But she's not so mentally impaired that she can't live, like, an autonomous life."

"Does she hate your mom?"

"She doesn't know my mom," Richard said. "She was so young when the divorce happened, and my father kept her away. I never pushed for Abby to have a relationship with her because it didn't seem like it was my place."

I thought about that for a moment. "Does your mom want to have a relationship with her?"

Richard shook his head. "That's the other thing. I don't think she could handle seeing what she did to Abby. And everyone says she's so selfish," Richard balled up a napkin in his hand, "That she got what she deserved. But she's my mom." He looked at me. "She's not a monster, Josie, she's just sick."

There was so much anguish on Richard's face that I found myself welling up with tears. "Why didn't you think you could tell me this?"

Richard tilted his head at me. "I think you know."

I held up my hands, like I was coming up empty. "Because you're embarrassed? Because you feel responsible even though you're not?"

Richard flicked his eyes over me. "It's not just that."

I waited for him to explain, but he didn't say anything. "What then?"

"It's you," Richard said, very quietly. "It's everything about you. How perfect your life is. I just don't want you to look at me like I'm the fuck up who's dragging you down in a ditch with me."

"My life isn't"—

"Don't even say it isn't perfect." Richard shot me a warning look. "Your parents are the most loving, supportive people I've ever met. You have friends who would take a bullet for you, and a career that's on the upswing. If that's imperfect," he snorted, "I'll gladly fucking take it."

There was nothing I could say to that. He was right. "I can't understand," I conceded. "But I can be there for you. Can you believe that? And let me do it? No more pulling away when things get uncomfortable."

Richard shrugged. "You know everything that's ugly about me now."

"It's not ugly," I insisted. "The compassion you have for your mom, after everything she put you and your sister through. It..." I paused, wondering if I was ready to say the next thing. "It makes me love you more."

Richard smiled at the ground. "I'm sorry, what was that?"

I rolled my eyes. "You heard me."

"No," Richard held his hand to his ear, "I don't think I did."

"You heard"—

Richard wrapped me in a bear hug, my back against his chest, and pressed his fingers into my sides. I shrieked when he hit a ticklish spot. "Shhh," Richard laughed into my ear, "Just say it and I'll stop."

I shrieked again as he went for my ribs. "Okay, okay," I half-gasped, half-laughed. "It makes me love you more."

Richard tucked his face into my neck and I felt his lips brush against my skin. "I love you," he breathed, "so much."

He turned me around so we were face to face, and then we were ripping each other's clothes off, kicking paper plates and plastic utensils out of our way until we'd carved out a space on the floor. Richard plunged inside of me, pressing his hips close to mine. I groaned when he sunk his fingers into my hair, tilting my head back and exposing my neck. He bit down on a spot just below my ear. Against my skin, he said, "I will ruffle every last one of your pretty feathers."

I dug my fingers into his back, holding on as tight as I could. Our movement was imperceptible to the naked eye, but we were rocking, ever so slightly, moaning and cursing. Someone above us pounded on their floor and screamed at us to shut the fuck up, but that only made us louder.


  1. I've never commented before, but this post - wow!! Jess, you make my Tuesdays and Thursdays so much better. I love this blog, and I adore this post. Keep em coming girl - you rock!!

  2. WOW! Definitely did not see that coming! Great job! :)

  3. I feel for Richard but I think Josie is quick to forgive and forget. Here is a guy that threw her out of his apartment, ignored her for 5 days and all of a sudden shows up at her party and she leaves with him. He tells her his story, which is sad, and all is forgiven. I love you're writing Jessica, it brings up such emotion in us. I just want Josie to be stronger with what she'll tolerate. I want Josie to be happy but I can't see that with Richard.


    1. Agreed Richard us a jerk. All the sob stories in the world can't convince me.

    2. 'Ignored her for 5 days'? Really? - he was helping out his mom after she caused a car accident. That's not ignoring your girlfriend, that's dealing with family/personal issues. And he didn't just 'show up' - Nina invited him and knew he was coming (it was just a surprise to Josie)

      I feel like it's a little callous to belittle his story or call it a 'sob story' - it seems to be major in shaping who he became. And don't say he should get past it/grow up or whatever, because that's kind of a lot of cr*p to go through as a child/growing up and can have major effects later on in life. He should be in therapy, certainly, but he does seem to make Josie happy.

    3. I respect your opinion but I feel Nina might have forced Richard to come to the party. Yes, he has hard pressing issues and a traumatic childhood but he couldn't even text Josie happy birthday or spare a minute or two to call her? I agree with you he needs therapy but I feel Richard doesn't treat Josie as good as she deserves. I want to like Richard and Josie together but I just don't see it like most of you. Obviously I'm hooked and invested in Josie's story and can't wait to see how things go but I'm not liking Richard. I feel sorry for him though.

    4. I think we have to agree to disagree. I think he could have just told Josie he had to deal with some family issues and not gone into it. That is not the way he handled it. The way he acted was horrible and his family issues don't excuse it.

    5. Again I have to say some of us may be a little too rationale when it comes to reading instead of living in/experiencing it. Is it really that simple to tell someone you care and love about, the shit you have with your family? 'My mum is rather screwed up.' Really? I'm not so sure if some of us can easily tell our 'sob story' to even besties for that matter.

      And then again, if Richard had come clean earlier, there's another bunch of us who will criticise him for being a wimp and not 'manning up to the situation'.

      Like Denise said, we agree to disagree. Or disagree to agree in some cases. What's great now is Josie is happy and Jessica's writing rocks!!

      Keep us updated on your book ya Jessica!!

    6. The more I read your responses, the more I disagree with many of you. You almost have to be consciously TRYING to with hold compassion for someone after reading about the experience he's had. He's not everyone's favorite, I get it. But come on...

    7. I don't think at least for me its not that I don't have compassion for his situation. I mean his situation is awful. Granted, I would probably have more compassion if he were a real person and this were not just a blog. I guess for me I just don't think going through a bad time equals acting like a jerk. I am a really independent person and I like to solve/go through problems on my own as well and I just ask for space when I need it. Before he lost his job/ was dealing with this he was also a jerk and what was his excuse then?

      This is going to be an unpopular comment but there are certain women that constantly make excuses for guys when they act like this. They are going through a hard time, they are mysterious, they are passionate, etc. However if Josie were treating Richard the same way...if she had been the person to hide out in his place, not tell him about her job, to tell him to get hell out of her place and showed up two weeks later for his birthday...I don't think he would be acting like oh...wow this is a romantic surprise...I don't think many guys would.

  4. Best post ever. Love Richard even more!!!

  5. I absolutely love this post!! I'm team Richard! So it's nice to know he is not an asshole! Can't wait until Thursday, and the sexy scenes, ADORE THEM!

  6. Thank you Jessica! That was perfect :)

  7. Ive never commented here before but I just want you to know I love your writing and can't wait for your book to come out! Ive been reading your blog for a looonng long time.

  8. I still am not sold on Richard either! There is nothing about him that gives me that "wow" factor like Peter did. He just seems like an average, run of the mill guy who is thrilled to score someone "like" her...not necessarily her. Can't wait to see how this folds out, esp over the move to LA!


  9. Never saw this one coming! Awesome story THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!11

  10. I really, really like Richard. He may not be perfect, but who is? Everyone has faults to improve upon! I hope neither of them does anything to mess it up. I think they both are good for each other, and can be perfect complements to one another.


  11. Chris - @nylonlover69 on TwitterFebruary 11, 2014 at 2:37 PM

    Pass the tissues please!

    And you all hating on Richard for disappearing need to re-read and recognize that he was dealing with drama much bigger than Josie has ever imagined and be grateful that he finally brought her in on it. Must be nice to have such a perfect life that you're willing to throw the baby out with the bathwater because it's a little dirty.

    1. Be grateful that he finally brought her into it? Really? I can appreciate that he was dealing with a family issue, however, asshat Richard is so disrespectful to Josie it is obscene. Just because he finally decides to tell her the truth about himself he is a hero? Yeah, no.

    2. I'm going to have to go back and re-read - it's very possible I've missed posts, but I don't really understand why everyone thinks Richard is so disrespectful of Josie? He's sarastic to his core, yes but it's not serious. But he also calls it like he sees it with her and that is honesty. Yes, it took him a very roundabout way to open up to her about these issues he's been dealing with, but he put his ego aside and did it because he loves her.

      Every last one of us, whether we choose to recognize it or not, deals with ego on a daily basis. We are all worried about how the world or at least a portion of the world sees us. I'm happy he let his guard down for her. Let's see what happens.

    3. Completely agree. I do think Richard needs to retrain himself regarding his verbal habits when he's angry or stressed; he has been abusive that way in a couple of instances. But, overall, I think he treats Josie respectfully, and some of his sarcasm just needs to be chalked up to different communication styles. *LOTS* of people regularly use sarcasm in their daily speech patterns and interactions; that doesn't make them horrible or hopelessly flawed. It's just a fact of Life. Honestly, I think it's a wonder Richard has turned out as well as he has, considering the brutal (emotionally) childhood and upbringing he had. A sick, destructive, selfish mother, emotionally absent but overbearing and controlling father? Richard is miraculously resilient. Also, (and, this is NOT an excuse for Richard's lapses in judgment, like when he's left her hanging for days) Josie really can be too pushy and needy at times. When someone asks to be left alone because he/she needs it, why not just respect that? It's not like he wouldn't have contacted her when he felt able. How many of us have had to deal with this latest situation he was dealing with regarding his trainwreck of a mother?

  12. Perfect post for the title of this blog!!

  13. The pizza, the love and the sex ;)

  14. LOL that was well worth the wait and ha ha, i was right he is rich tra la. Loved it J girl xoxo

  15. Wow, that should make all the haters quit for a while. Incredible post, Jess!

  16. Wow! I guess this explains all the money he spent even while he was out of work. Still not sure how I feel about Richard, but at least it's all out in the open now. Great post!

    Check out my fiction blog if you like reading this one! http://highheelshappyhour.blogspot.com/

  17. Wow, I hope his mom goes to jail for a long time. Alcoholism is a disease but drinking and driving is a choice. I would never pay for a lawyer for her, she deserves whatever sentence she gets.

    1. In general I have to agree, as a female in her early twenty's I have seen enough of my friend get into cars intoxictaed, while I beg them not to.

      But I really do feel it come to another category when family members that you do love and care for break a serious law

  18. AWESOME POST! Loved it! Felt super short like it always does - I totally mean this as a compliment! Keep it up :) looking forward to your post on thursday!!!!

  19. What a gorgeous post! Aww, Richard </3.. Unlike most people I've always liked him. And I just love how he loves Josie :)

  20. I've been reading your blog since the very beginning post, and this was my absolute favorite! I love your writing, Jess!

  21. I don't think Richards behaviour is acceptable at all... I had a boyfriend who also used to disappear when he was having issues family drama etc and that would piss me off cz hello I don't knw what's happening. So for josie to just be all cool listening to his story what not... Not cool. But I also get it she wanted to know what the deal was. I personally wouldn't have had sec with him after though.... Lol I'm lying I would have #wink.... Love this blog hehehe but here in South Africa we have to waif for night to read it... I wait up for it but totally worth it

  22. Team Richard all the way!!!

  23. AHHH I loved Richard from the beginning, and for those who are saying they liked Peter better, NO!
    Peter: is more of a richhy man/boy who was never able to grow up and deal with his problems, and that's why he hangs to girls half his age so he won't have to commit
    Richard: I understand he should have called and said "Please be understanding I need a couple of days to sort shit out I promise we will discuss everything in a couple of days", and then he still could have surprised Josie for her Birthday.

    All those judging his "sob" story, no one needs to go shit like that when you're 11, rich or not, at least he was mature enough to realize what he needed to do in order to help his family out.


  24. Ahhh I love when they do HND and have sexy times!

  25. Never commented but this post was amazing!

  26. I am sooo conflicted. I was all team peter but the more i think about his tendency to seek out younger, less stable and immature women make me question his sincerity in wanting to be with josie. Richard is a deeply flawed character, but then again who isnt. This is still a new relationship and new territory for Richard. who considering his upbringing not only has intimacy issue but huge trust issues which is not so easy to get over. Especially when the person you are now in a relationship has a life you envy. I see Richard in a different light and i think he is willing and open to changing and making this relationship work. Which is a testiment to just how much he loves josie

    1. That was a really great explanation of Richard.

  27. Am I the only one who remembers that Josie originally thought Richard was gay? Lol oops

  28. I am also one of your readers since Cosmo and have never commented but DAMN this was such a good post! Can't wait for your book!

  29. Loved it! Richard has flaws and has had some pretty huge asshole moments, but I love him with her!

  30. Ooooh yeaaa!! LOVE Richard!!!! :) Great post!

  31. Omg!! I'm sooooooo happy for u guys!!

  32. I havent commented in awhile but I have to coz this post was so good it hurt, am I the only one who shed a tear when Richard was narrating his story to Josie? I loved this post.

    Those saying they can't see the wow factor in Richard, we can't all like the same characters . I didnt like Peter, loved Justin and now I am so totally in love with Richard for so many reasons despite him having tons of issues. I hope him and Josie stick together for awhile.

    Keep up the good work Jessica, I love the blog

  33. Commenting for the first time, following the blog from the beginning and I absolutely love it, always have, always will..you're phenom jessica!

  34. A little disappointed that it was indeed a rich benefactor. But I love the back story. Hopefully Josie doesn't forget that although Richard is going through this she still has a life of her own to worry about.

    1. From recent experience of my own (and although a fictional character) I hope she doesn't let her own life keep her from remembering he will continue to go through this his entire life and to be compassionate. Not that she should always make excuses for him regarding it but to not let herself get 'career tunnel' vision. Her career is important, but then, so is he. I recently lost someone very dear to me that he had allowed me to "place on the back burner" for my education and career. I'll forever regret not being better to him.

  35. LOVE your blog! Keep up the good work =D

  36. This is my first time commenting as well, but I've been reading since cosmo.. I love it. This post is probably my favorite so far. I saw a lot of my boyfriend and I in this. He gets distant sometimes but I try to understand and be there for him, no matter what. It's nice seeing that other people(even in a fictional blog) go through this too. Thank u for making my Tuesdays and Thursday a little more fun! :)

  37. for everyone saying that Josie shouldn't have forgiven him, REALLY?! Come on guys, have a heart. he was going through a really rough time with his mom and had a ton on his plate!!!! he was bailing his mother out of jail for possible manslaughter (if the other driver didn't make it), and trying to deal with the emotional situation he was in with his absent father, disabled sister and alcoholic mother. I'm not saying he was right by icing Josie out, but if anyone deserves forgiveness for icing a girl out for 5 days, it's Richard. He wasnt right in what he did, but he's really trying hard to be good for Josie. He clearly loves her passionately and knows he was wrong for kicking her out and not talking to her, but he deserves a second chance. He's made mistakes, but everyone makes mistakes... he is more deserving of forgiveness than anyone I can think of. Just give him time, guys. I'm sure hell come around. TEAM RICHARD!!


    1. Not saying Josie shouldn't be sympathetic but there is a pattern of behavior with Richard that is troubling. Yes, Richard had a difficult, tumultuous childhood and helping his mom is an honorable thing to do. My issue with Richard is that more often screws up than not.

      1. The Hamptons. He hooks up with Kate after Josie turns him down.
      2. Inviting Josie to the Halloween party at the bar to show off his new girlfriend all the while calling a Josie a cocktease.
      3. Telling her that she would never be in a relationship.
      4. Lying to her or omitting that he was laid off. (I know this is touchy subject but had she not found him on the couch would he ever tell her).
      5. That night when they ran into Sam and she said that Richard used her to prove to Josie he could be in a relationship. Richard avoided Josie's question and instead proclaimed his love for her.
      6. Josie shows up at his place after he said I need space and he flips out, throws her out in the middle of a major storm.
      7. Doesn't contact Josie for days, not even a happy birthday but then once again shows up, proclaims his love and whisks her back to his place to tell his story.

      Richard seems very selfish and if the shoe were on the other foot would flip out if Josie treated him the way he does her. I don't think he loves, uses the word as a guise to get out of situations. He has done more wrong than right and it's time Josie opens her eyes and starts thinking with her head and not her heart.

  38. OMG Screw all you folks and your judgement about Richard. The most stable, strong relationships are about pulling through for someone. He went silent, he didn't do her wrong!! Seriously get past being 22 and bitter for a second. You don't give up on people...you don't turn your back just because they are going through something. Let time tell...not your judgement and baggage!!!

    GO JOSIE!!! I am so incredibly happy for you and my heart pours for Richard. I think he will be a great man...I have had my man, who is very similar to Richard character, FOR YEARS and he has been the best thing that has ever happened to me...he says I saved him...but we saved each other, truly. I welled up reading this and am so happy that Nina helped!

  39. awesome awesome post! obsessed with this blog! :)

  40. So ironic that all the Richard lovers have a man in their life that is so similar to Richard! Wow!

    Richard is a douche. Can't wait til Josie finds a new guy.

  41. I feel like a bit more education about disabilities is in order. Wondering how someone can live a normal life simply because they have a disability is a bit narrow minded. I know this may come as a shock, but even people with severe autism get married, and hold down jobs. I love your blog, but I found that sentence a bit offensive.

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    bunların yanında liseli amcık resimleride arıyorlar. Porno izle ve Porno sikiş kelimeleride çok aranan kelimelerden Porno dünyasında zevkler sınır tanımıyor özellikle türkçe porno film izleyicileri
    götten sikiş pornoları arıyor. E o kadar Porno zevkine sikişenler sizce nasıl bir fanteziye bürünsün ki.
    Tüm kullanıcılar bunlardan ziyade bilinmeyen pornoları yani x porno arayışında. Bilinen videoların sanki hepsini izledik tükettik bunlar kaldı birde değil mi.