August 29, 2013

Twerk It, Grady

Grady’s lower lip dropped ever so slightly when he saw me. But like a true professional, he kept dancing. Everyone was cheering him on (everyone being all the girls. The guys had gone into the kitchen to bitch and drink beer like manly men.)
“You guys!” Kate covered her face with her hands, half horrified, half loving it as Grady ripped his pants off and stuck his big package in her face. And Oh My God, he was wearing a thong. What’s that line from Legally Blonde? A Delta Nu would never sleep with a man in a thong? As much as I wanted to legally bone Grady, this may be a dealbreaker.
I politely excused myself from the mayhem and found Richard in the kitchen.
“Enough front row action?” he asked.
“I’ve gotten the live show,” I said.
Richard cocked his head at me and I explained.
“Josie!” Richard covered his mouth with his hand and laughed so hard some of his friends asked what was going on. I shushed him furiously. He was grossly over reacting, and I wasn’t sure why.
“I can’t believe you’d hook up with a stripper and not me,” Richard said. Ah, so that was it. He smiled, his way of letting me know he was kidding, but he wasn’t fooling me. Richard was not used to girls saying no to him, and maybe things weren’t as okay between us as I thought they were.
“He’s an actor, not a stripper,” I said, defensively.
Richard gestured to the living room. Grady was now standing on the couch, straddling some girl and dangling his family jewels over her face. Damnit, Grady! You had to move into the teabagging portion of your performance at that exact moment, didn’t you? “What do you call that?”
“He wears a few hats, okay?” This conversation was annoying me. Richard hooks up with a different girl every night we’re here, and he’s judging moi? I was also detecting some snobbery. I wanted to point out that we work for an imprint that publishes celebrity and celebwannabe fluff, and we weren’t so highbrow ourselves. But I noticed that Grady’s performance was ending, and I wanted to speak to him before he left.
Grady was pulling his clothes on when I approached him.
“Um, hi,” I said.
“Hi, yourself,” he said, smiling. He started closing the buttons on his uniform. With each snap, more of his perfect abdomen disappeared. “Busted, I guess.”
“How long have you been doing this?” I asked.
“Only a year.” He smoothed his hair away from his face. “These, um, services, I guess you could say, had a resurgence after Magic Mike came out. Some of my actor friends were picking up odd jobs here and there.” He shrugged. “Pays well.” He looked around the room, at all the girls talking amongst each other, trying to pretend like they weren’t staring at him when they were. “And it’s fun.” Grady dropped to his knees and began lacing up his shoes.
“It doesn’t make you feel like man meat?” I asked.
Grady stood. He cupped his hands around my face and leaned in close. “Maybe I like feeling like man meat.” He gave me a peck on the tip of my nose before plopping his hat on his head. “I’ll call you.” Then, waving to the room, he said, “Always obey the law, ladies.” He exited the house to the sound of whoops and cheers.

I texted Peter on my way back to the city on Sunday. By 7pm, he was ringing my buzzer (do with that what you will). I thank Jesus my Lord and Savior for cute boys every day of the week, but I’m especially grateful for them on Sundays. There’s just something about having a guy come over on the last lazy day of the weekend, having a slowie (the quickie’s more lethargic cousin), ordering pizza, and lounging about in your sweats that makes me so very, very happy.

I was on the phone with my mom when I let Peter in. She was in a tizzy because my aunt wanted to do Thanksgiving at her house this year, even though it wasn’t her turn because she hosted last year and, "Her turkey was dry!” I mouthed hi and put my finger to my lips. Peter kissed me on the cheek, closed the door behind him, and wrapped his arms around my waist. He slipped one hand underneath the waistband of my boxer shorts and I shook my head at him. “It’s my mom,” I whispered.
“Your aunt is just being so unreasonable,” My mom was saying.
“I know, mom,” I said. “I’m so”—my voice caught in my throat as Peter pushed me up against the wall and dropped to his knees in front of me.
“Sweetie?” my mom asked.
Peter pushed my shorts aside and pressed his tongue between my legs.
“I’m here.” It came out strangled. “Mom,” I swallowed. Focus, Josie! “Mom, I have to call you back!”
I didn’t even say goodbye. Just hit end and leaned against the wall, trying to steady myself as Peter circled his tongue again and again.
Forty-five rejuvenating minutes later, Peter and I were on the couch, watching TV and refueling with pepperoni pizza.
“So now will you tell me about William?” I asked.
“You just can’t let this go, can you?”
“Of course I can’t.”
Peter sighed. “Some if this is just speculation on my part, okay?”
“Just get to the good stuff!” I practically shouted.
This was Peter’s theory: Elizabeth wanted a baby. He did too, but then he realized, just not with her (I CAN’T IMAGINE WHY). They split, the next he hears she’s with William Bradford, and she’s pregnant. The scandal is that William had been with another woman for eight years, had decided to have a baby with her, then left her six months pregnant to be with Elizabeth. This was some Tom Brady/Bridget Moynahan/Gisele shit. Look it up.
“So William is going to have two children by two different women who are roughly the same age?” I gasped.
“Well,” Peter said. “Not exactly.” Peter went on to explain that he never bought that William was the father, and he thinks William realized that too, especially after that item in the Post came out and it was clear that William wasn’t the only sperm donor in the pool.
“I think Elizabeth wanted you to work for William, knowing there was a good chance he would hit on you and something would happen between the two of you. She would then have a reason to leave him, and I’m sure she would have loved to share this information with me, so that I would think poorly of you.” Peter cleared his throat. “Which I wouldn’t have, obviously.”
William has a tire around his middle and hasn't had hair since '97. Thanks for thinking so highly of me, Elizabetch. “But why would Elizabeth go to the trouble of starting something with William if she didn’t ever want to be with him?" I asked.
“Because she’s a mess,” Peter said. “She wanted to be pregnant, she made that happen, somehow. Then she picked the guy who could offer her the most stability to be the ‘father’ and I guess that guy was William. But as I’ve learned with Elizabeth, as soon as she gets what she wants,” he held up his hands, “She doesn’t want it anymore.”
I swallowed. “Peter, have you ever stopped to think that”—
“I could be the father?” Peter said, filling in my sentence. I restrained myself from making a Maury joke. He shook his head. “It’s not possible. Elizabeth is due in September, meaning she got pregnant some time in January. The last time we,” he paused. Cleared his throat. “Saw each other was November last year.”
“You mean the last time you slept together,” I said. I know I had no reason to be bitter. Peter and I broke up in October. But I was. Peter still maintained that he hadn’t been seeing Elizabeth when we were together, and I still wasn’t sure if I believed him. I didn't feel like bringing it up right then, but it was something I was going to have to do eventually if we kept this up.
“Yes, Josie. The last time we slept together.” He shook his head. “You love to twist that knife.”
I ignored that. “Peter, when I saw Elizabeth at the end of March she looked more than three months pregnant to me.”
Peter shrugged. “I don’t know what to tell you. She’s skinny, she showed early I guess. She’s cunning, but she's not above the law of nature. She can't hold the baby in for an extra month just to prove it’s not mine.”
“How do you know she hasn’t had the baby?”
Peter threw up his hands. “Because I know. Facebook, mutual friends. I just know.” He put his arm around me. “Can we talk about something else now?”
“Like what?”
“Like you spending Labor Day weekend with me in Nantucket?”
Whoa. That was kind of a big deal. Sure, I didn’t have any plans, and Nantucket is amazing and Peter’s house is the stuff Town & Country readers wet dream of, but spending an entire weekend with Peter, when we’d just started seeing each other again….was it too much? And what about Grady, my piece of man meat who said he would call me? Old Josie would have accepted Peter’s invitation without hesitating a beat. But New Josie was wiser(ish), and she was going to have to think about this one.


  1. Ok, forget Grady. There is no stability there. Isn't Josie looking to be a grown up? Please, please, please DO NOT make Peter the father of that baby. That is just too soap-opera predictable! I like Josie and Peter together. Just make one story line work for a while please!!!

  2. Noooo! Don't let it be his baby! They do need to talk about stuff though and if Josie IS wiser, she wouldn't keep putting it off and maybe present a compromise as well. Good stuff as always though!

  3. *in my Maury voice* "Peter, you are....NOT the father!" Or else I'll just die!... I LOVE this blog, I love Josie, and yes, I love you, Jessica! Keep up the good work!

  4. That's tough I like peter I don't think he cheated. But Grady... Everyone deserves a Grady at some point... Love "Elizabetch" lol

  5. I love Peter but still a whole weekend meanwhile they just started hooking up... it's as if he wants her to drop everything for him. I would really think about this Josie. He's a great guy though. Just seems sketchy sometimes.

  6. Enough Peter! She's questioning being in a relationship with him again so maybe she should take that as a sign to move on from him. She needs some Magic Grady in her life.I need some Magic Grady! Let's get some Magic Grady! xo

  7. I like the Peter thing again! It seems like they really had a connection before, but the timing didn't work. Please don't make it super-soapy and have him be the father of Elizabeth's baby, that would suck.

  8. So team peter,was very happy to see that he's back in the picture,maybe Elizabeth will cause drama with josie once she find out that she seeing peter again. But peter the father I don't think so.

  9. She told Peter to break up with his gir friend. If she wants to date other people, she needs to let him know. As for Grady, It's hard for me to relate because I would never consider him an option.

  10. Hahaha, I truly love your gusto for living vicariously through her!!!

  11. I am team Peter all the way - I could never go there with Grady. He seems kind of sweet but the whole stripper thing grosses me out. Please don't have Peter be the father of the baby. Josie needs to go to Nantucket & live it up! Thanks for continuing the blog!!!!

  12. Another vote saying don't let Peter be the dad! Too soap opera-y and predictable. Not to mention he's great for Josie!

  13. Go with the man!!!!!!!!!! And forget problem if you werr just trying to bone, but not worth risking it with peter since that might go sonewhere. and yes, pleaseeee do not make him the father.

    p.s. I love that I get every single one of your celeb gossip references

  14. Peter or Grady is there even a question. Strippers my be interesting to look at for a minute but who wants anything more from them?

  15. I think she owes it to herself to hook w/ Grady at least once!

  16. go with Grady. I still think Peter cheated and hes great sex and all, but I can't see anything long term. In fact, I don't think he's actually interested in anything like that; he just likes have a cute 20-something sex toy/ accessory to dangle on his arm

  17. I think she should play the field. Peter doesn't seem trustworthy and Grady is hot and fun so she doesn't need to settle down yet.

  18. She needs to hook up with Grady a couple times. He's way too hot to pass up. And there's a reason Peter and Josie broke up the first time. She can take her sweet time she doesn't need to jump back into a relationship.

  19. Honestly I don't think she needs to be with Peter the relationship failed once it can fail again. Plus after reading this he might be the father and that's just too much.

  20. Am I the only one concerned that Josie is being so nonchalant about having sex with these guys. I mean she and Peter aren't in a serious relationship yet out seems like she's having sex without any protection. I like Peter, just feel he needs someone more mature and able to communicate. you're a Josie articulate your concern that Peter cheated on you. Grady is cute but if you want to be grown look at the big picture. he's a stripper and unstable long term. I hate the double standards with Josie, she can hook up with whomever she pleases but gets pissed and takes shots at Peter for sleeping with Elisabeth when they were broken up. Wasn't she having sex with her ex??? Get over it.

  21. I am Team Peter all the way! Grady seems unstable and she did more or less ask Peter to break up w/his gf. I think she should go with Peter and have fun but try not to take it TOO seriously. Maybe trying to go a little slower w/Peter this time around will help. I love how I can live vicariously through Josie w/Peter since my RL Peter story didn't work. I like being able to wonder "what-if" with these stories. And please, don't let Peter be the father.

  22. I am Team Peter all the way! Grady seems unstable and she did more or less ask Peter to break up w/his gf. I think she should go with Peter and have fun but try not to take it TOO seriously. Maybe trying to go a little slower w/Peter this time around will help. I love how I can live vicariously through Josie w/Peter since my RL Peter story didn't work. I like being able to wonder "what-if" with these stories. And please, don't let Peter be the father.

  23. I get the spirit of this blog, which is freedom and sex and fun, and that's fine for being what it is. But I honestly don't see the need for phrases like "I thank Jesus my Lord and Savior for cute boys". It seems unnecessarily offensive to a portion of your audience, when it doesn't enhance the story line at all and wouldn't go against the nature of the blog to just leave it out? Or if you are going to include it, perhaps defame all the other gods from different religions, Allah, Buddha, etc?

    This really doesn't need to become a religious argument, just a little bit of consideration would go a long way :)

  24. Keep up the good work! This is a fictional blog - I assume Josie is having safe sex, but I do not need to hear or want to hear those details. I can fill in those blanks myself. I am here for the juicy stuff. I have been offended by nothing here.
    Thanks for continuing her story. I am super into Peter & hope they can make it work. Forget Grady & please don't have Peter be the father of that kid.

  25. Team Peter! Plus having to deal with a boy friend who is a stripper??
    Please don't have Peter be the father..

  26. I'm not sure about Peter, realistically if he was any good for her, he wouldn't have screwed her over in the first place considering he was already divorced for a year when they met. She shouldn't but all her eggs in a basket with him, he isn't loyal to her. As for Grady, obvi he has issues lol cant wait to see what happens :)

  27. Do not let Peter be the father! That would just ruin it. I mean, honestly, it is unnecessary, drama for drama's sake; however, I do think a conversation about what happened between him and Elizabeth is necessary.

  28. I'm glad she's not dropping everything in her life as soon as peter asks, I'm glad she's taking it slow. Being that I really don't care much for peter, I'm hoping something better comes up for her

  29. I like Peter, however I don't see why she shouldn't continue hanging out with Grady. It's not like they're exclusive. Also I think she needs to get over the Peter and Elizabeth thing, it's getting annoying. Hopefully he isn't the father

  30. My opinion seems to be the black sheep. I actually do hope Peter is the father. Too fishy with all the Elizabeth drama and their past is too shaky now. She needs something new. Grady seems sweet, and exciting! Live it up.

  31. I don't like peter or Grady all that much.I don't mind the super thing at all but great just sounds like a dumb human being and I dint find that attractive no matter how hot someone is.Peter is a gossip and drama Queen so he's out in my books. Can we just bring in some new not-so- guys .mind you I guess that's the point of Josie's story...

  32. Do not forget Grady!! Grady is the man! If Josie is still looking to date and keep her options open then she needs to hold on to Grady still. It seems to me so far that Peter is just looking to Josie as his always available play thing? What kind of relationship is that besides friends with benefits? I think you should give Grady more of a fair chance, he seems so far to be a good guy.

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