August 12, 2014

Tessa's Story

by Zahra Barnes

“Wait, you actually moved out?” Liv stopped in her tracks and was promptly shoved forward by the sweet-looking old lady behind her. She couldn’t have been more than 5’0 and less than 90 years old, but she whipped her head around and gave Liv the evil eye as she zoomed by.

“Yes, it was for my sanity,” I said after I stopped laughing. “And just so you know, you shouldn’t stop walking in the middle of a New York City sidewalk unless you have a death wish.”

We rounded the corner and headed into the bustle of Chelsea Market. It was one of the most sweltering days of summer, so Liv and I had taken a field trip of sorts in search of some relief in the form of gelato. This was only possible because Marian was on a flight to Ibiza for a week of relaxation away from New York’s oppressive heat and relentless crowds.

“You know Justin Bieber’s been running around Ibiza all summer,” I said to her on her last day in the office. “Maybe you’ll bump into him?” Since his smackdown with Orlando Bloom, Ibiza had been synonymous with Justin Bieber in my mind.

A blush crept across her cheeks. “What—I—Absolutely not! I despise that young man,” she stuttered.

“Of course,” I nodded, ducking my head to hide a smile. Who knew even Marian could be a Belieber?

Liv and I had waited until we knew Marian’s flight was in the air, then flipped the “We’ll be right back!” sign and went forth into the teeming city streets. I always had my work email linked to my phone, but I made sure to divert any office calls to it as well. We’d only be gone for about half an hour, but I couldn’t risk missing a call from Marian. I figured she’d comply with the airline’s cell phone rules, but I could also picture her calling me in brazen defiance of the flight attendants, seized with a genius idea she needed me to work on right away.

In Chelsea Market, Liv and I made our way over to L’arte Del Gelato and took in the swirls of creamy goodness.

“So, how are you doing?” I felt her watching me, trying to suss out any cracks in my “I’ve got it all together!” veneer.

“I’m really good. It’s been tough, but I’m adjusting.” Even though it was true, I kept my gaze steady on the gelato. I didn’t want to make intense eye contact and turn the conversation into an after-school special. Honestly, I had had enough intensity since I found the texts in Grant’s phone. Even though I wasn’t sure how I was going to deal with him, I just wanted everything to lighten up.

She seemed to accept my response. One thing I’d realized about Liv as I watched her track down new artists was that she was dogged to the core. I liked it.

“And your new roommate is cool?”

“I absolutely love Celine,” I gushed. “She seems pretty laid-back most of the time, but since she’s a designer she also needs to go to all these parties and schmooze with people. She’s the perfect mix of introverted and extroverted.”

I made my choice and looked up at the sales attendant, a teenage kid whose Adam’s apple bobbed up and down as he swallowed.

“Dulce de leche, please. A large.” I beamed at him. It really is the simple things.

Once, the bodega guy near my old apartment told me that he loved how cheerful I was. At first, I was baffled because my bitchface has scared off tons of people, even the ones I don’t want it to. Then I realized: this man gives me my ice cream, of course he thinks I am sunshine personified. It all made sense.

Liv and I speed walked back to the office, dodging tourists and trying not to drip on ourselves. Even though I kept checking my phone and had no calls or emails, I couldn’t let myself take a leisurely pace on the way back. I could see Marian in my mind’s eye, narrowing her eyes over both the fact that we stepped out and the fat content in my gelato.

“Breakups are the worst,” Liv said.

“Tell me about it. I still think about him a lot. I know it’s normal, but it’s kind of making me crazy.” I scraped the bottom of my cup. Why must I always hoover my desserts? A family friend who was about a month from giving birth once told me I have the appetite of a pregnant woman. She didn’t mean it as a compliment, but I sure took it as one.

“You know the best way to get over someone?” Liv shot a mischievous smile my way.

“I can’t really get under someone else just yet. It’s a good idea in theory, but—“

“No, not that! You need a hobby. Something really involved that you can just throw yourself into.”

I contemplated her words as we walked into Grey & Boehm. It’s true that between Grant, my job, and my friends, I hadn’t spent much time doing things I loved just for the sake of doing them.

“You might be right. But it just seems like such a cliché get-over-your-ex thing, you know?”

“Yeah, well, clichés exist because they’re true.”

She had a point.

“Okay, I’ll think about it.” I tossed my empty cup into the trash and jiggled my mouse impatiently.

“No.” Liv pointed at me emphatically with her spoon. “Less thinking, more doing. Are you busy tonight?”

I shook my head. The only thing I had on my schedule was unpacking. Pretty much everything I took out of a box just reminded me of Grant, so I was procrastinating in a big way.

“Perfect. We’ll leave at 6:00.”

For the rest of the day, I begged Liv to tell me where we were going. No dice. The woman had a way with secrets.

Finally, we packed up and emerged into the sticky night, my body humming with excitement. After getting turned around on the subway, we ended up in front of a warehouse in Williamsburg. Liv turned to look at me with an expectant look on her face, eyes shining the way I was learning they always did when she was excited.

“We’re here!”

“Great! What…is it?” I didn’t want to seem unenthusiastic, but it just looked like a gray slab of building to me.

“How do you work in the arts and not know about The Grid?” Now that she said the name, I recalled vague bits of a Times article I read about new art warehouses popping up all over New York.

“I may have heard of it, but what are we doing here?”

“We’re going to make art,” she said, waving her arm with a flourish as we walked in. In the bare-bones space, gallery types mingled with preppy bankers who were obviously on first Tinder dates.

I was still confused until I saw three circular groups of easels set up, each with a pad of paper and charcoal on the stool in front of it.

“Wait, we’re taking an art class?”

Liv nodded with a hint of a smug smile, then said, “Even better. We’re getting drunk, too. It’s all you can drink beers for $20.” She thrust her chin at a bar in a corner. It was so surrounded by people it was hard to see at first. “I’ve never been before and was planning on trying it out tonight since Marian isn’t here to keep us late.”

I fished around in my wallet then handed her some cash. “Bottoms up,” I grinned.

“Hello!” A woman with John Lennon-esque glasses and a buzz cut called out to the crowd. “Welcome to The Grid! If everyone could please take their seats, we’re going to start in just a few minutes.” Liv returned with our beers and we staked out some easels on the far side of the room.

“So!” The woman clapped to get our attention. ”Our three models will come in soon. You’ll draw each one until I ring the bell, then they’ll switch groups. It’s like sketching and speed dating combined. You have lots of paper, so don’t be shy about using as much as you need.” 

With that, she rang the bell and a murmur spread through the room as our first model made her way over to us. She was the only one I could see so far, and she was as naked as the day she was born.

She was a round woman who looked like she would be the ultimate grandmother. Her dove-gray hair was piled into a bun on top of her head, and her body was all soft curves and comfort. Her cheeks dimpled when she smiled at us and assumed her first pose, a simple seated position on the stool in the middle of our easels. I knocked back some beer and picked up my charcoal.

As time went on, the model contorted herself into more flexible positions. The bell rang just as she stood and bent over, her head kissing her knees. A few people in the group looked relieved, but I wished I had more time. Trying so hard at something I was so terrible at silenced the Grant ticker-tape parade in my brain.

Liv leaned over to peek at my pages. I dusted off my hands and tilted my head, trying to be optimistic. They were okay as far as sketches go, but they made it obvious that I was better off enjoying art than producing it. At the same time, I could see Grey & Boehm running some sort of exhibit if some renowned artist had done them. But the first exhibit Grey & Boehm did was placing piles of dirty laundry throughout the space, so that didn’t mean much (they were “a physical embodiment of the detritus of our society’s collective soul,” the artist said). I glanced at Liv’s easel and did a double-take. Her drawings were shockingly good.

“Did you take me here just to show off?! I had no idea you were an artist.”

“I’m not really,” she shrugged. “I just sort of grew up drawing. My parents put me in tons of classes.”

I stared at them in awe. We’d only been with the model for 20 minutes, but Liv had managed to make her come to life on the page.

Our grandmother model padded away and took her peaceful energy over to the adjacent group. The next model was a clean-cut 40-something man whose stiff body showed this was probably his first time at the rodeo. For the second time, I lost myself in drawing, at times penciling soothing strokes and at others, making frenzied jabs at the paper. The bell rang, the models switched, and again I was impressed by Liv’s art.

Then, time slowed down as our next model approached. Tall and tan with muscles that actually, literally rippled as he took his seat, he was gorgeous. Liv and I immediately looked at each other, trying not to gape. I turned back to the model and watched him get settled. Thankfully, he started with his back to us so I could give myself some time to focus. It’s just a body, Tessa, I reminded myself. Pretend he’s a statue at The Met.

It didn’t work. I couldn’t get into the same headspace where I disassociated and saw the person in front of me as nothing more than a cobbled together mass of lines and curves. With each mark I made, I was almost painfully aware of the corresponding shapes of his body. I finally gave up and just scrawled a mass of squiggles on top of his neck, trying to simulate the brown curls that topped his head. They looked so silky, and I wondered at how guys so often end up with hair and eyelashes Disney princesses would kill for.

The model got up to reposition himself but, instead of choosing a radically different pose, just turned so he was sitting facing me instead. He leaned an elbow on his knee and rested his head on his fist.

I started making an overly detailed drawing of his feet, deciding to focus on what had to be the least sexy part of him. The thing was, I had gotten so used to constant sex with Grant. Now that I was trying to get over him I put a moratorium on all sex thoughts, or tried to, anyway. I knew it would only make me miss him more. Now my libido, obviously offended at having been forgotten and overjoyed to be making a comeback, was roaring back to life.

Forgetting myself, I glanced up into the models’ eyes, noticing that one was hazel and the other blue. They locked onto mine and my stomach warmed. No matter how much I told myself to avert my gaze, I couldn’t look away. Then, some movement made my eyes dart downward. When I saw what caused it, I snapped my charcoal.

“You okay?” Liv whispered.

I nodded and rooted through my remaining charcoal, trying to slow my pulse.

Did it—did it just twitch? Did his penis seriously just twitch after we made eye contact? Was it some sort of involuntary response or was he just a perv? I glanced up at his face incredulously. He was blushing furiously and had his eyes closed. He was embarrassed, and I was right. Because of his position I was probably the only one who had detected it, but I knew what I had seen.

For the remainder of that pose, I just doodled, not wanting to risk fainting or ripping my clothes off and jumping all over him. I couldn’t decide which would be more mortifying, so I thought it was safest to avoid either. But when he switched poses for the last time and stood, again with his back to us, I couldn’t help admiring the view and trying to get it all down on paper.

The woman rang the bell for the last time. “Okay, everyone! Thank you for your time. You can spray your drawings then take them home, but you’re welcome to leave them with us. Please give the models a round of applause as they go.” I forced myself to clap normally instead of doing what my inner Mindy Lahiri commanded, which was to give a standing ovation on top of my stool.

Liv turned to me. “What did you think?”

“He was unreal. He’s probably an actor, right? Doing this for extra money on the side or something?”

She looked confused, then laughed. “I meant about the entire thing, but yeah, that last guy was beautiful. You should go talk to him!”

“I feel like it’s weird to approach a guy after this since it’s just a job for him, you know? Plus, he probably gets girls doing that all the time.” As people flowed toward the exit, I saw pairs of women just like us, obviously talking about the exact same thing. “But seriously, Liv, thank you for taking me. I had a blast.”

We sprayed our pads with fixative so they wouldn’t smudge and headed towards the front of the room.

“Of course. I’ve been through bad breakups, I know how it goes.”

As I made to pile my pad on top of all the others, Liv grabbed my arm.

“No way,” she said. “You’re keeping that.”

“What? Why would I keep this? I’m good at a few things but this isn’t one of them.” I held it up so she could see my main attempt at the second model. It only vaguely resembled a human; actually, it looked more like the drawings freaky children always make in horror movies. “Plus, I already have too much stuff.”

“You should keep it as a sign of the first day you made a real effort to start moving on,” she responded, looking at me encouragingly with her huge eyes.

In the cab home, I realized Liv was right. Grant hadn’t crossed my mind once the entire class. I felt like I was always either thinking about the breakup or actively trying to not think about it. It was quickly becoming exhausting. Not only had I forgotten about him for a few blessed hours, I’d been able to appreciate a gorgeous guy. I’d been wondering how long it would take me to be interested in someone else—six months? A year, even? But I’d been able to feel something, albeit just physical, for the model. I glanced down at the haphazard scribbles on my sketchpad and, in them, saw the start of something exciting. 


  1. I'm sorry but I can't with Tessa. You don't get over a man you love that quickly. Will she ever see that she was unavailable to grant? I want to like Tessa but there's something about her that rubs me the wrong way.

    1. I agree, she is being very self righteous

  2. I do want Tessa to get over Grant but it seems a little soon...

  3. Im confused. I though she was trying to make it work with Grant and now she has totally written him off. Is she going to work on her relationship with Grant or not?

    1. I thought the same thing you did... But I guess not. It's really a shame.

  4. I get with what Grant did was totally messed up, but am I the only one here that thinks she was a little crazy to just cut him completely out like he doesn't exist. Grant doesn't seem like a terrible guy, anyone could have a slip, and he was totally in the wrong, but I feel like Tessa is being a bit crazy

    1. No, I agree. She said she needed space and time, but it sounds like she is done. You don't fall that hard for someone and then walk away clean like that and if he was really all that as she said he was, don't you make at least an ATTEMPT to work it out? Not liking this development.

    2. Exactly!!!! The man said that he wanted to marry her, and you could feel the love that Grant had for her. He messed up, they could have really worked through it if she really wanted to, but I feel like she doesn't want to. She's crazy for letting that guy go she will regret it.

    3. I agree with this 100% and completely

  5. I'm lost. You don't go from loving and planning your life with someone to moving on so quickly. Tessa is all over the place and I'm lost. Grant made a mistake and if she loved him as much as she claimed then she would be going to counseling or mourning the demise of their relationship. Wish that Tessa was more likable. She seems cold, heartless and self righteous like another poster said.

    1. I totally agree with this! She is pretty unlikable...

    2. Totally agree. What Grant did was really bad, but she sounds like she never really loved him. I am beginning to feel more sorry for him than for her.

  6. Yeah, I'd like to see how Tessa takes responsibility for her part in the cheating. I don't agree with cheating AT ALL, but I also believe it's most often caused by a bigger problem in the relationship.

  7. I love Tessa, and who cares how quickly she "gets over" Grant? After reading how devastated she was when she read the texts on Grants' phone, good for her for trying to get her mind off everything. Tessa isn't responsible at all for the cheating, Grant should have communicated with her about it, not put his banana in some girls mouth.

    1. Grant did try to communicate with her but she brushed him off. She didn't have time or make time to listen. It's UNACCEPTABLE he cheated but if you love someone you don't get over them in a snap of a finger. Maybe she wasn't as into him as she thought? In a relationship you have to be available to your partner. She wasn't emotionally and doesn't seem to even realize that. If I were in a long term relationship and found out my man cheated on me I wouldn't be looking for a new one, a couple weeks after. I'd be nursing my wounds. Tessa doesn't make sense.

  8. cheating is not okay and if someone wants to cut a person out of their lives over it, even entirely cut them out, that's totally acceptable. I probably wouldn't do it, but I certainly wouldn't take the person back. I might mentally and internally take some responsibility for not being more available but that wouldn't be enough to make me take the cheater back. I mean, yes...her actions may have caused him to want to cheat but at the end of the day when you cheat you're saying "I don't care as much about you as I do myself." There's never any actual excuse to do something so hurtful to someone. Having said that, it does seem as though we were led to believe that she was going to work it out and I'm not sure this entirely consistent with the other post, but for those who think ti's too soon to have moved on...yes and no. I mean, the quickest cure to heartbreak is finding someone else attractive. It's not as if this experience means she'll never think of Grant again.

  9. I don't think Tessa is "over" Grant yet... obviously there will be more between the two of them. He did cheat, and it would be hard to trust him, but to throw away a relationship that significant because he fooled around with a girl.. it seems extreme. She should at least TRY to repair the relationship. Unless she wanted to get out of it before he did anything. But that's not the impression I got in the beginning.

  10. I bet in the next few posts she is going to run into grant and the girl he cheated on her with.

    1. yes! I was waiting for that to happen in this one..

  11. ICan see what everyone is saying about Tessa moving on so fast, but I think it's for the sake of the story. Since it's just once a week, I think if she keeps going on about Grant, it's just going to drag out and get boring. I agree that in the first couple of posts maybe the story was misleading because it seemed like this was a story about them as a couple, but I still like where this is going. I think it can be more interesting and "adventurous" being that there's nothing to hold Tessa back.

    1. I'm fine with Tessa moving on but it's not realistic to get over Grant so quick. Yeah there's nothing to hold her back this way but it's not realistic. Plus if stew going to mention Justin Bieber can you at least make nyc weather more accurate. We're having one of the coolest summers ever. Hardly any 90 degree or even 85 degree days so talking about the sweltering weather is an inaccuracy.

    2. It's a fake blog. She can make the story however she wants. No of course you don't have to like it. You also don't have to read it. Nothing in the story needs to be accurate.

    3. Lol, yeah. Asking for accurate weather forecasts in a fake blog is a little much. She's a writer, not a meteorologist.

  12. I don't necessarily think Tessa is trying to get over Grant, nor do I think she is over him already. I think it's good that she's distracting herself and trying to move on from what Grant did to her, which is the only way she may forgive him. I agree with the above posters that she needs to own up to her part in the demise of the relationship, but I can see at the time that she may be very hurt and it's hard for her to see it clearly.
    As for her being unlikeable, Liz from also started out unlikeable, but has now grown into someone much more mature. Every person has their flaws and that's alright as long as she grows from it.

    1. I agree with you about Liz from She was unlikable but she mourned her breakup though she was the one that cheated and had to start over. I would have liked Tessa to go through the pain of losing someone you love. I can't blame the girl for being attracted to the Sometimes you can't help yourself. She didn't make a move on him, just admired his, um, beauty. If she were going on a date with him tomorrow I might be annoyed but she went out with a girlfriend to get her mind off Grant. No harm no foul.

  13. I love the storyline! Can't wait to see what happens next!

  14. She didn't do anything. She went to an art class and thought a male model was cute. It's not like she asked him out on a date. I still like her, and I think her response to the breakup is pretty normal. She's upset, and isn't ready to be around him yet. Of course that means she's going to cut him off for a while.

  15. I wonder if the people saying she moved on too quickly (BY TAKING AN ART CLASS) have ever been completely blindsided by getting cheated on?
    Your heart gets ripped out of you. If you're lucky enough to have some fight in you you'll do what it takes to make yourself feel better- even temporarily.
    I love this story and Zahras writing!

    1. Thank you! I am a little disturbed by people saying that she moved on too quickly. I don't know that there was that much moving on but I do know that throwing yourself into something, trying to find something to anchor and distract you is something you do to try and ease the pain.

    2. It's not the art class. It's that she has the hots for literally the first guy she sees on the first night going out. And just went from moving in together to NOPE and found her own place, rather than crashing at a friends place and thinking it through or something. Cheaking SUCKS and it's inexcusable, but each case should be handled different. Was it repeated cheating? How long did it go on? Was it love? Was it with a close friend? Does the cheater still actively talk to and hang out with this person?

  16. This is all too similar to how Josie's story started... anyone remember back to the beginning in Cosmo?

  17. I'm really confused! I thought she was going to work on her relationship with Grant, but now she's calling it a break up and talking about moving on? No!! I thought they were going to try to work it out! I guess they are just over now? Really upset about this.

  18. I like this story so far! Keep going, Zahra!

  19. So far I am enjoying this. She hasn't moved on fully but trying to take the steps. And maybe later she can reconcile with Grant after she a hot fling of her own.

  20. Tessa is an adult. Grant cheated; she doesn't "owe" him anything. If she never wants to speak to him or see him again, she's entitled. If she needs more than a week (I certainly would!) to process this on her own, she can take that time. She's making an effort to be adult about this - going to work, going about her life. There's more than one way to mourn. The stereotyped crawling under the covers for a week isn't terribly mature or practical in real life. I like Tessa a lot - I think she's a more mature character and I like her voice. She's been through a wretched situation and she's coping - props to her.

    1. Her behavior isn't mature or realistic in my opinion. Tessa seems selfish and closer minded. She acts like she was the perfect girlfriend and grant cheated. what Grant did is inexcusable. Tessa not making time for him played a small role. She needs to acknowledge that she isn't perfect. Own up to the fact that even though your boyfriend tried to open up and say that you're too preoccupied with work and agent making time for him, you ignored it. Thinking everything will work out. Tessa can do whatever she wants but doesn't come off as a friendly, warm person. She's wishy washy and needs to grow up. In don't see her as being mature, quite the opposite.

    2. Actually, when you do experience a really heart breaking breakup, you do spend a lot of time crying and in bed. You don't just go out and get the hots for the FIRST guy you see.

  21. I never comment but I HAD to say something. Like the people above, I can NOT get into this story with this plot development. I get that it's once a week, but if this was the direction it was going to go with, it should've started out with her being broken up already. How do you go from describing how much you love and adore your boyfriend and planning to move in together to just cutting them out of your life? I get that not everyone's the same and its a fictional blog, but it should be believable. Cheating sucks, but break ups are always more complicated than they seem. They're just DONE after being together for like 5 some years?

    Also wtf, the guys dick twitched just from looking at her? What? Was he getting a semi-hard on or something?

    I have more to say but I'll stop here for now.

  22. I feel like most of the readers want Tessa to be a mess just because of what happened OR just get over it. Yes it sucks and it hurts, but it shouldn't take over her life- romantic relationships aren't the be all, end all, ladies. And maybe she's not done forever with grant, but I'd definitely need a while to figure out what I wanted after being cheated on, and I give props to Tessa for giving herself that time rather than just jumping back into his arms like you all seem to want her to do. Maybe she is a little selfish, but aren't a lot of men that way about their careers? Its not the 1800s guys, if she wants to put career first, that's her prerogative. Tessa's strong and independent. I'm liking this blog.

  23. I don't feel like she is over grant. I feel like she is trying to distract herself, which I completely get. She should have to sit at home and cry herself to sleep at night. I don't think cheating is EVER ok and I have cut someone out of my life completely for cheating. And just because she was attracted to the model, doesn't mean she didn't love Grant. She is a human. It happens.

  24. I lost the blogs I used to read online when my phone broke! Can anyone share what other blogs they read?

  25. I get the feeling that most of these commenters just like to complain about anything, really. It was the same for almost the entire time Josie's blog was being written. I'm loving it so far, keep it up, Zahra!

  26. I actually really like Tessa (and this story!) but I am a bit confused because she previously said she needed time and space to think and that living together was obviously off the table but now they are officially broken up? I think that there needs to be some more filling in of those details. I definitely don't think we've seen the last of Grant.

  27. I think that Tessa isn't necessarily unlikable, I think she is just at a rough place in her life. I definitely don't even think she is "moving on", it was just an art class! So what that she thought another man was sexy . . . I'm married, but I still think men are sexy lol.
    I think that a lot of people with the negative attitudes regarding the story line have clearly never been cheated on. I agree that Tessa didn't make it easy for Grant, but that does not give him an excuse in any way, shape, or form.
    I think it's great so far :)

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