August 5, 2014

Tessa's Story

“Thanks for seeing me,” Grant said quietly. He looked like hell. All red-rimmed eyes and bristly five o’clock shadow, he stood rigidly in the middle of the room, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. Watching him squirm should have been satisfying, but all my anger had leaked out at some point in the night, escaping like air from an untied balloon. I wished it hadn’t. It’s easier to mistake anger for strength than it is sadness.

“Of course. You can sit, if you want.”

Relieved, he sank into the loveseat across from the sofa where I was curled up under a blanket. Since the night before, my body temperature had been out of whack and I couldn’t stop shivering like one of those Chihuahuas pampered heiresses always seem to favor. I clasped my fingers in my lap where he couldn’t see and squeezed, reminding myself with each pulse to keep. It. Together.

“I almost had a heart attack when I realized you were gone last night,” he started. My eyebrows shot up into my hairline and, seeing that I was about to protest, he said the rest in a rush. “But I realize why you did, and I’m just glad you’re somewhere safe.” Placated, I unfurrowed my brow and nodded for him to continue.

“Tessa, again, I’m so sorry. I can’t handle the idea of ruining what we have over a one-night mistake.”

“And I’m sorry for putting work first too much. I really can’t believe I forgot about your presentation.” I meant it. I truly did feel awful about that, and couldn’t deny that if the situation had been reversed, I probably would have acted out, too. Hopefully it wouldn’t have taken the form of me drunkenly groping a coworker, but you never know. “But it was a pretty big mistake, and you almost got away with it. I hate the idea of being the naive girlfriend who thought everything was fine while you had this huge secret.”

“I know it sounds crazy, but I just wanted to protect you. In the end, though, the guilt was eating me up. I honestly think I wanted you to find out. You know, get it all out in the open.” It made sense. That’s the only explanation for a magna cum laude graduate from Columbia who, you would think, has a surplus of brain cells telling his girlfriend to look through his phone when it’s harboring incriminating evidence.

I let the silence fill the room as I considered all my questions. It was like I was waging a war with myself. I knew my imagination would torture me if I didn’t ask, but also that I’d fixate on whatever details I could squeeze out of him. My brain is nothing if not evil.  

“Did you use a condom?” I blurted out.

He lowered his gaze. “No. I haven’t carried one in years.” I was on the pill and we’d both gotten tested when we got together, so we’d decided to go without a long time ago.

“And I guess you probably didn’t use a dental dam, either,” I snorted. I couldn’t not laugh when I said those words. Even if I were hooking up with Joe Manganiello and he said, “Let me just grab a dental dam and then I’ll get right to it,” my happy valley would turn into the Sahara. Grant’s lips twitched into what would have, on a better day, been a grin, but ultimately he shook his head. I’d expected as much, but putting my health in jeopardy added a whole other layer to this.

“I just don’t get it. You say the problem was that I was so busy, but you knew we were moving in together soon. No matter how late I stayed at work, I would have been coming home to you every night.”

“I know.” He heaved a sigh and his shoulders rounded reflexively, as if preparing for the sort of shameful nature of what followed. “I think it was more the pent-up frustration than anything. I resented you.”

“That’s what confuses me most. The Grant I know wouldn’t do that, no matter how resentful.” A year ago, Grant had actually severed ties with his mom for cheating on his dad. His parents stayed together and he and his mom worked it out, but now I had to wonder if there was some unfaithful gene running rampant in his family’s DNA.

“That wasn’t the Grant you know. This is. I’ll do anything. There has to be a way I can fix this.” A glint of steely determination flashed in his eyes and I marveled at how, even now, I felt a magnetic pull to him. I squeezed my fingers so hard they were probably turning blue. Keep. It. Together.

“I don’t know if there’s any way to fix this. I mean, you still work with her! How am I supposed to trust that it won’t happen again?”

“I’ll quit,” he responded immediately. In a perfect world, I’d have swooned at this declaration. It would have reaffirmed my belief that we could work it out. But his willingness to leave his job had the opposite effect. He’d just gotten this huge promotion and raise, and abandoning that for me would create such a weird power imbalance. I envisioned us in the future, sitting far apart on a stuffy couch in couples therapy, Grant resentfully spitting out that he’d given it all up for me. I couldn’t ask him to do that when I didn’t even know if I could forgive him in the end.

I just shook my head.

He mouth tugged down at the corners. “So you don’t think it’ll ever work? I want everything with you. I want to marry you.” A wild look bloomed in his eyes. He launched himself out of his seat and headed towards the floor, one knee leading the way. With a speed I never knew I possessed, I leaped off the sofa, grabbed his collar, and yanked him up.

“Grant, I swear if you propose to me right now, I’ll need to be institutionalized. Don’t.”

Being so close to him made my insides clench up, so I backed away before continuing. “I just need time to figure this out. Alone.”

His expression deepened from sadness to devastation. “What are you saying?”

We faced off and I felt like I was floating up by the ceiling, watching it all unfold in an out-of-body experience. I took a deep breath and told him what I’d decided. “I’ll call movers once I find a place. I don’t know if I’ll ever get past this, but there’s no chance of it if we live together.” Besides, he just got a raise. He could afford to live there by himself or fill it up with everyone from his company for a huge graphic design orgy commune type of thing, if he wanted. It was no longer any of my business.

The color drained from Grant’s face and his chin wobbled. He clenched his jaw, that beautiful jaw, to stop an impending emotional breakdown. He approached me uncertainly, and I took the last few steps towards him and folded myself into his arms. It was crazy that after all this, I still fit perfectly. Just like I always had. “I’ll give you your space,” he murmured into my hair. “I know you need that much. But I’m not giving up on us.”

After he left, I stared off into space before finally locking the door behind him. Even my broken-heartedness couldn’t cure my paranoia. Then, I promptly returned to Marley’s bed and burrowed under the sheets. Three days, I thought to myself as I fell asleep. Three days to wallow, then you’re done.

---

The next three days were a haze of a few things: crying in the bathroom at work, trying to convince Liv and Marian I just had a bad cold, and Marley attempting to spoil me with the most fattening, delicious meals she could cook up. I’d pick at them, then spend the rest of the night swilling wine with my head in her lap, watching Laguna Beach and bitterly thinking, This would never have happened to Kristin.

The fourth day after Grant-pocalypse, my self-imposed mourning period was over. I was determined to focus on my new life. If Piper Kerman could turn a drug bust and prison time into Emmy nominations and beaucoup bucks, I could make the most of my situation. I’d spent all my free moments over the past few days setting up more Craigslist viewings. I was open to everything except the Lower East Side since I couldn’t stomach the thought of potential Grant run-ins when I would inevitably look like a hag, since that’s just how the world works.

My first viewing of the day was before work in Chelsea, close to Grey & Boehm. The artsy feel of the neighborhood is my kind of New York, so I had my fingers crossed. Unfortunately, I quickly realized that when my potential roommates Lionel and Johanna wrote they were “looking for a third,” they didn’t just mean someone to fill a spare room. “We’re pretty adventurous,” Johanna grinned while tracing a circle on Lionel’s leg and pinning me to my seat with her come-hither eyes. I choked on my water and Lionel came over to whack me on the back. He reeked of weed and paint thinner. “I actually have to get to work,” I said shrilly. $900 for a room in Chelsea with “free-spirited artists”? Should have known, Tessa, I admonished myself during my hasty retreat.

I arrived at Grey & Boehm still shuddering. Marian sharply eyed me up and down. “Finally, good lord!” she exclaimed. “This is the first day you don’t look like you’re on the brink of death.” Recalling my appearance the past few days, she wrinkled her nose. The spackled-on makeup couldn’t hide my under-eye bags or the sickly tinge to my skin, so ever the hypochondriac, Marian had treated me like even the slightest contact would strike her dead. I hadn’t told Liv or Marian what had gone down, or even my family for that matter. I knew it didn’t make sense, but I was too embarrassed. 

“Yep, it was just a bug!” I replied brightly. Marian disappeared into her office. When she emerged, she was carrying a super-sized container of hand sanitizer. She plunked it down on my desk, pointing at it then at me in a wordless command. I suppressed an eye roll and slathered some on, then threw myself into work the way I hadn’t been able to since the week before. I’d been skating by on the bare minimum, but I finally felt like I could really focus.

Around lunchtime, I asked Liv to hold everything down while I ran “an errand.” She looked at me quizzically but agreed. I ended up touring a dank basement space in Greenwich Village for $1,400, which would have been pushing my budget even if it had been truly amazing. In the ad, the landlord neglected to mention it was in the basement and had only posted photos of the living room. She’d obviously never heard of karma.

“You could try to spruce it up.” She chomped on her gum and surveyed the room, clearly unenthused. I looked around in disbelief. With no windows, a wall leak, and a single light bulb dangling from the ceiling, it looked like the set of the next Saw movie. I was out of there in five minutes.

Back at the office, I wrapped up the flower order for an upcoming show. The artist, Frank Bishop, would bring women to his house, cover both of their bodies in paint, and have sex on huge canvases. When we met him months ago, he explained the point of his art to us. “Each piece captures the essence of that particular instance of love-makin’,” he drawled in his Southern accent and pushed his thick hair back. “They each emote, they tell their own stories.” He was a walking Tim Riggins, only sleazier. My evidence? He had requested “flowers that look like a woman’s honey pot, if you know what I mean,” complete with a wink in my direction. Basically, I needed orchids and a shower.

After work, I’d stacked up two more viewings back-to-back. I knew it was crazy to overload myself, but I was scared I’d just give in and stay with Grant if I floated around for too long. The first place was on the Upper West Side. It seemed promising until Eric, the hobbit-y Irish bartender, mentioned Bess.

“Bess is totally harmless and can’t get out. They’re such misunderstood creatures,” he said wistfully.

My smile faltered. “Bess?”

“Yes, my tarantula.” He saw my expression and hastily tried to reassure me. “She stays in my room! No escapes yet!”

Needless to say, Eric and I did not work out.

After each apartment disaster, my fingers itched to text Grant. I even whipped out my phone to commiserate about Bess before remembering that I wouldn’t even have been in this situation if Grant and I hadn’t broken up. Each time, I shoved my phone back in my bag, willing myself to forget about him.

My next stop was on the Upper East Side. When Celine opened the door, my hopes skyrocketed. Not only did she look normal, she oozed an effortlessly cool vibe. She aced that whole low-maintenance gorgeousness thing with close-cropped brown hair and a pixie-like stature combined with low-slung boyfriend jeans and perfectly white tank.

“Come on in,” she said in a lilting accent I couldn’t quite place.

During the tour, I found out that Celine was a Parisian-born, American-bred fashion designer whose roommate moved away to go to business school. A dress form in the living room was clothed in a colorful outfit that was the perfectly zany counterpart to her laidback look. The place was small but cozy with a sparkling bathroom, a bit of counter space, and a sizeable room up for grabs. Celine offered me a glass of wine and we settled onto the couch.

“So, you were born in Paris? I’ve only been once but I loved it.” I tried not to gush since I didn’t want to come across as a typical annoying American. I probably failed.

“Yes, but my parents shipped me off to boarding school every year and I would spend summers in Paris or with cousins in Brussels.” She rolled her eyes and shrugged. “Children gave maman terrible migraines.”

Growing up with parents who doted on my every move, I couldn’t imagine it. But Celine explained that she had been living fully on her own since she was 18. Admirable. My parents still pay my phone bill.

Celine regaled me with stories of late nights spent sewing first, with plenty of parties after to reward her hard work. I realized this could be exactly what I needed to move past Grant. A complete change of pace. Something new.

She must have seen a glimmer of excitement in my eyes. “You seem so much happier now than when I opened the door!” We both laughed.

I looked into Celine’s kind face and was consumed with the desire to live there and let her French-ify my entire life, helping me get over Grant in the process. I also felt the urge to spill everything that had happened. Besides explaining that I was going through a breakup, I kept my mouth shut, feeling too self-conscious to tell all. Still, something about her made me want to open up. She was tactful enough not to fish for details, which only made me like her more.

“So, what annoys you in a roommate?” I wanted to take the conversation into lighter territory and see if either of us had any qualities the other would consider deal-breakers. We’d covered most of it in our email correspondence, but this was key.

“Mmm, I just need my privacy. I love to come home and have a glass of wine together sometimes, as you can see, but when I go in my room I am usually creating and cannot be disturbed.” I loved that she called it “creating.”

“Same! My last roommate had no concept of personal space and would just barge into my room. She didn’t know the definition of knocking.”  

“I may be foreign, but trust me, I know that word. Not allowed here,” Celine smiled at me.

Something in my gut just told me to go for it. “Listen, I know I should play hard-to-get, but I would love to live here,” I admitted.

Celine whooped excitedly. “Alors, I would love to have you! Cheers to that!” We clinked glasses, and it was settled. I was moving in.




43 comments:

  1. i want to like Tessa and get into this blog but to me she's not that likeable. there's something about her that seems off. she's not the type of woman I find relatable or would even like to go shopping with. she seems so rigid, judgmental and boring.

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  2. Great post! What a mess.

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    1. Thanks for the post. I think that although lots of blogs have similar premises, we deserve to give them all a shot and see if we can get into the story.

      This post was well-written and I'll be back to continue the story next week.

      http://www.poetsandheartbreakers.com

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  3. I just don't like where the story veered off to. I thought it had great potential, but honestly, the whole cheating thing threw me off. Does every relationship have to have cheating drama?

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    1. Agreed. Now we have twenty something Tessa who's been cheated on and starting over. Just like most of the other blogs. Now we get to hear about her dating escapades. I don't like Tessa enough to care. Would've been nice to read about a stable relationship instead of the same old drama.

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    2. Yes! There can be so much drama in a regular relationship! What is wrong with a blog about that?? LOL!

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    3. We needed more time to become invested in her relationship. Then I might have cared when it ended. Like you guys said, it just turned into the same old blog that we see everywhere.

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    4. There are tons of blogs where the girls are in stable relationships.. Like lovelifela, crazyadventuresinny and both new beginnings and lily's playlist are headed in that direction.. It's nice to have some relationship drama. Read those other blogs if you want relationships with no drama..

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    5. If I wanted to read about a stable relationship I would read a different blog (because there are many) and/or write my own and read it. As a girl in a very long term relationship I prefer to not read about it. But we all have our preferences. Sometimes a blog will not go in the direction you hoped but it can still be very enjoyable to follow.

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    6. I find the storyline very cliche. Even the blogs that another poster listed had infidelity. lovelifela - abbey was cheated on, moved away found another man and is in a relationship. Crazyadventuresinny same thing, elisabeth cheated, moved back home and found someone new to be in a relationship with. i'm not sure about lily's playlist yet. all these blogs have the same premise.

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    7. Just had to mention that in lovelifela, abbey was not cheated on; her then bf packed his stuff and left her. That's why they broke up.

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    8. Never mind, I just read the post on Evan's background. He did cheat on her. However, I don't think Abbey ever found out.

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    9. A lot of blogs have stemmed from lovesexpizza (kudos to Jess for inspiring others to try their hand at writing!) but you can't expect Zahra to keep up with them and avoid having a similar storyline. And no, not every relationship has cheating in it, but every story has a CONFLICT of some sort. And while every relationship doesn't have cheating, a lot of twenty something year olds in a highly populated city, such as NYC, will experience the pains of cheating, as the cheater or the cheated on.

      I agree. I was sad to see Grant cheat, but the story had to have an arc. Also, not to insult other bloggers (I actually blog myself), but Zahra is a WRITER and a lot of them admit that they are only blogging for fun. I, for one, LOVE reading this blog because both Zahra and Jessica provide a particular advanced level of writing that I just can't get enough of.

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    10. Zahra is a professional writer that's why we expect better than the standard girl gets cheated on and is picking up the pieces storyline. Tessa isn't very likable and we weren't invested in their relationship to care. Why not build up the story get to interested and then have the cheating exposed. I've found that the amateur bloggers are very creative and are doing great jobs. They're writing for fun and are very humble and kind. My question is if Zahra wanted to create a blog of her own, why not do it on her own platform? Most bloggers whether professional or amateurs do it on their own and attract their own fan base. It's not handed to then like here. Jessica worked hard to get where she is and I feel that sometimes you have to pay your own dues.

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    11. When Grant and Tessa had no problems, people complained that they couldn't get into it. Now people are complaining it's a cliche. One of the biggest problems in a young girl's life (which is being cheated on for many) is a natural point to build a blog around. The bottom line is Zahra's writing is really good and people need to calm down with the negativity.

      Also, the blog wasn't handed to her. Jess read her stuff and thought it was so good so she decided to give Tess a day (since jess couldn't commit to twice a week anymore) I think if Jessica approved her writing, she earned her spot here. Plus, she's a real writer doing this for FREE.

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    12. Exactly she's doing this for free like most bloggers. If I recall she wanted to write on love, sex, pizza which was Josie's story. Now we have a totally new story here with no relationship to the new. At least Elizabeth's story fits in here. Tessa not so much. In my opinion this story should be on a different page to eliminate confusion. All these different stories back to back with no separate tab is confusing. Might have been a better idea for Jessica to say hey check out Zahra's blog and provide a link to Tessa story. I'm sorry but love sex pizza will always be Josie's story. It's like watching Friends. The show comes to an end and they create an spin off based on Phoebe's life but then on alternating weeks they throw in episodes about Mary who has no relation to anyone on friends.

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    13. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Nothing was "handed" to Zahra for free. She is a talented editor who I worked with at SELF and she had the gumption to ask for an opportunity, after I confessed to her that I was feeling really overwhelmed between my job, the book, this blog, and being taken to task for needing to take a break from something I do for fun on the side. It takes balls to ask for what you want (any promotion I ever got is because I asked for it), and you have to be pretty shrewd to make it in magazines in New York because there are a lot of people who want to work in this industry and not a whole lot of open spots. Zahra is not getting any handouts, I can assure you that much.

      That being said, as my author website is being designed, I've asked the designer if he can do some work on the blog and make it easier to navigate between the two stories. Until then, we gonna do it the old fashion way!

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  4. Interested to see what happens with Tessa and Grant! It'd be nice to see them work it out, but I'm happy she decided to move out and give herself time to figure everything out for herself away from him!

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  5. I, for one, feel like Grant is going to be a pain in the ass for Tessa no matter where she goes. It's annoying to me when men cheat & are then swooning to win back the "love of their life" gag. Been there done that. Stay strong Tessa :)

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  6. Ah I hope grant and Tessa can work it out somehow. But if they do I think it'll be while since otherwise the blog would be over and done with soon enough! I liked the two of them together!

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  7. I'm loving the story! Actually relieved because the girl usually goes right back to the guy after he cheats, especially when that person has past history and high credentials, glad to see her taking charge of her independence!

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  8. Aw! I really like Grant! I really hope they get back together! He sounded so sincere and he felt really bad about what he did!

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  9. Still loving Tessa's story. Despite there being a lot of blogs focusing around twentysomethings and bad relationships, I think each story has a different view on a broad topic. I absolutely love your writing style & I think that's why I keep coming back each week. Looking forward to how Tessa begins to revive herself after this disaster.

    sheerluckandpixiedust.blogspot.com

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  10. I really enjoy your writing, but I am hoping that Grant and Tessa can work it out. Although if she was a real person I wouldn't encourage her to stay with a cheater. I was really looking forward to reading a blog about a couple. Hoping that might still be an option.

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  11. For some reason this writer reminds me of k! It just hit me. I like it!

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  12. Wait, why would she ask about a condom if grant and the other girl didn't have sex??? Someone answer please

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    1. I was thinking the same thing. I thought they didn't have sex, just did everything but. Maybe the author messed up, or maybe we both missed something

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    2. Hi there!

      Thanks so much for reading. Tessa's referring to oral sex, since Grant admitted he and Sophie did "everything but." Of course lots of people don't use condoms for oral, but if you're cheating on your girlfriend it would be nice to at least consider it, haha!

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    3. The likelihood of Grant contacting am std from a woman giving him oral sex is minimal. There's more risk for the woman so the condom question was odd. I don't know if I like Tessa self righteous attitude. I feel for Grant. He wanted some attention and love but she was too busy with work. It's screwed up he cheated but if he were getting it at home he wouldn't look elsewhere.

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    4. Odds of winning lottery: 1 in 175million
      Odds a man can contract HIV/AIDS from oral sex: roughly 1 in 115!!
      Would you take those odds?
      Yes, the risk is minimal but it's still risky.

      Do Pam Anderson's partners wrap it up before she takes it to the head? Are they concerned about getting Hepatitis B??

      If a woman's mouth contains certain bacteria, she risks potentially passing chancroid, gonerrhea & chlamydia to her partner through oral sex.
      Also if she has painless sores; open wounds b/c she bites the inside of her cheeks; or has a cold sore (HSV-1) - that BJ can pass along syphillis, HPV even herpes.

      Hand jobs are risky too - minimal, but risky.

      STDs & STIs are serious. Know your status & that of your partner.
      Just because YOU are a serial monogamist doesn't mean You're HIS only sexual partner.

      Check out womenshealth.gov for more information.

      Thanks!
      Your friendly healthcare professional :)

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    5. Exactly. Thanks for the detailed info. on the risks of unprotected oral sex. It's not as minimal of a risk to the guy as some people think; the odds you spelled out are actually way more risk than most men would want to take. Plus, a man needs to think about what he could be passing on to his girlfriend/wife if he's considering screwing around. A condom is *always* a must - even if it's "just" oral sex. The risk is there.

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    6. Thank you guys! I was confused but I understand now, if he didn't stop it they would've been going at it condom free.

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  13. Oral Sex; they can pass things back & forth through mouth contact.

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  14. I really like Zahra's writing. Each post feels very full, it never feels rushed or thin. I feel as though I've read a full chapter of a book with these posts!

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  15. I really hope Grant and Tessa work it out!!

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  16. I agree with those who want Grant and Tessa to work it out and to that end I say "COUNSELING". That's what it's for. I agree that separate spaces is good, but if they just part, there is no dialog and therefore no working stuff out. At least they could meet on neutral ground and talk this issue through. NO relationship is saved from serious issues unless you face them and talk about them with your partner.

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  17. I normally don't comment but there is so much negativity about Tessa and I, for one, like her. I am a super picky reader and hate bad writing, but I think this blog is great, keep it up!

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  18. This is such a sticky situation. Personally, I don't think I could ever get over cheating, but I see why some couples try to move forward from these situations. I would think the only hope would be counselling, since they were at a pretty serious point in their relationship and most people aren't just already equipped with the kind of skills and personality it takes to move on from this kind of thing in a healthy way. I agree with Tessa though the fact that he works together with the girl is sooo problematic- it would drive me fucking crazy!!! And if he did quit, there would definitely be resentment on both sides. I can't wait to see where it goes!!!

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  19. Just wanted to say that I'm really enjoying your writing. The story's still building, but I'm intrigued, and you're a fantastic writer. Thanks!

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  20. I love it. I like Tessa. I agree that the crumbling of her relationship with Grant came pretty quickly, but I find this story very intriguing. There will always be negative feedback and haters, but I, for one, am liking Tessa's story!

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  21. I love your writing Zahra! Grant seemed so sincere, I really like him! The whole situation is heartbreaking :( I hope they can work things out!!

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  22. Why is everyone blaming Tessa for working hard for a few months? Yes, she should have tried to put in more of an effort into her relationship, but what's wrong with having a few months of having to focus on work? That doesn't give Grant a free pass to cheat. I don't get all these (I presume, women) posters saying that Grant wouldn't have cheated if he were "getting it at home"... like, what is that?

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    1. She wasn't there emotionally or physically for Grant. She was too busy with work to even know what was going on in his life. He tried talking to her to no avail. It's not right that he cheated but she wasn't the perfect girlfriend either. You have to find an healthy balance between work and personal life. Tessa was only concerned with her job and getting ahead. She thought Grant would always be there but he cheated. Fucked up. She should have been mor available.

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