November 7, 2013

Analyze This

All the LA plans are in place and I'm so excited. Jessie Spano levels of excited. Also like Jessie, a little scared—the stakes are so high for the long overdue sex Ian and I are totally going to have. There is no room for error here, which of course means something will go terribly wrong. Like...what if we're having amazingly intense, passionate sex and I go and ruin it by queefing or something even remotely human? 

I'll only be in town for three nights, and Frank even asked me if I have any friends on the West coast who I'd like to visit while we're there. "We have a dinner one evening, but the other two nights are yours to do with as you please," he said. Oh, I will do with them as I please, thankyouverymuch.

In the meantime, I had some business to attend to on the homefront: That wax I desperately need, laundering my favorite pairs of Hanky Pankies, and cutting out carbs so that my stomach looks flat when we try weird sexual positions, which we are totally going to do.

Oh, and want to hear something really bizarre? Ashley found a therapist...and she wanted me to go with her for a session. She said that her therapist suggested she bring in an unbiased friend who can provide an outsider's account of what Ashley had just gone through, and she knew I would be brutally honest.

"I know it's a lot to ask," Ashley said, "but it would mean a lot to me."

"Are you going to be there when I'm talking to her?" I asked. "I don't want you getting all annoyed with me if you don't like my version of things."

"I will be there," Ashley said. "But Bess said it would probably be better if I leave while you two talk."

"Your doctor's name is Bess?"

"Well, it's Dr. Schweiger," Ashley said. "But she said to call her Bess."

I found this all very unconventional, yet also extremely intriguing. I personally love the idea of therapy. If I was willing to give up going out and shopping to be able to afford therapy (I'm not) and if I felt like I really had some serious issues to work out, I'd totally be one of those annoying people who is all like, 'Well, my therapist says that...' all the time.

Ashley had already seen Bess the week before and given her the general rundown about her situation. "I think she wants to hear about it from an outsider to determine, like, how I perceive things," Ashley said.

On Wednesday evening, after work and before my drink with Morrison (so fine, I didn't cut out all carbs), I made my way to the Upper West Side. Ashley met me outside of Bess' office and we headed inside together.

Bess was in her mid-40s, with dark, perfectly blown out hair and a Cartier Love bracelet on her wrist. No wedding band. I always find it interesting when therapists who specialize in relationships aren't married.

She thanked me for coming in and asked me some basic questions, like what my relationship was to Ashley and how long I'd known her. After that, she asked Ashley to give us a little alone time.

"So," Bess said, "I've heard from Ashley about why she thinks she needs to be here. But I'd like to hear it from you."

"Well," I said, "I don't think Ashley needs to be here more than any of us do, but I think it's smart to look at yourself and see a pattern, and decide that you don't like it and that you want to fix it. I've been there before."

"And what was your pattern?" Bess asked.

"I hopped from relationship to relationship, even when I knew the guy wasn't right for me, or that the timing wasn't right."

"You'd be surprised how much our patterns are a result of our blueprint, and how we were raised," Bess said.

"I can totally see that with Ashley," I said. "Her parents aren't the most loving people and I feel like that's the example that's been given to her of what a relationship should look like. But my parents are awesome, so I don't think that's true with me."

"It actually doesn't matter how great your parents are," Bess said. "I'm sure your parents are wonderful, selfless people who only want the best for you. They can still leave an impression on you that can be problematic when it comes to finding a successful relationship in your own life."

We were totally getting off topic, but Bess had me hooked. "In what way?"

"Just a shot in the dark," Bess said, "but were you a daddy's girl when you were younger? Did your father light up when you walked into a room?"

I wrinkled my nose. "Gross, no. I hate that cutesy daddy girl stuff. Weirds me out."

Bess just smiled.

"What?" I asked.

"Again," she said, "just a thought, and I don't know you well enough to say, but did you ever stop to think that because you didn't get that adulation from your father at a young age, that now you seek it out as an adult through this incessant need to be in a relationship?"

I felt like I was drunk and someone had just dumped a bucket of cold water over my head. No, Bess, I'd never stopped to consider that before, but it made perfect sense.

"In any case," Bess said, "we should get back to Ashley. But if you ever want to talk more about your own patterns, it could do you some good."

And here I was, all cocky that I didn't have issues. Apparently I was a textbook case!

I took Bess through my version of events with Ashley and Luke, and Ashley and Tom. The forty-five minute session flew by. Before I left, Bess pressed her card into my hand. "In case you ever need me."

"She is good," I said to Ashley, as we said goodbye.

Ashley smiled. "I know. I'm excited. I feel like this is going to help me turn over a new leaf."

I gave Ashley a hug goodbye and we are not huggers. Then I made my way to my favorite wine bar by my apartment. Morrison had some business to take care of at Barney's, which is only a few avenues from my apartment, so he said he would be happy to meet me somewhere in my neighborhood.

I was dying to tell someone about my conversation with Bess, and even though I don't know Morrison that well, gay guys generally make good confidantes. Plus, with the crowd Morrison hung with, at least half his friends had to be in therapy, so he wouldn't be that weirded out by it. A therapist on Park Avenue was better than the new designer handbag.

"Darling," Morrison said, when he saw me. He pecked me on the cheek. He smelled like apartments that have washer/dryers and windows in the bathroom: expensive.

"I've had the weirdest day," I said.

"Then you need a martini," he said. He snapped his fingers at he bartender, which irked me a little (I was a waitress once and I just find it so demanding and rude). He ordered a drink for me, then rested his head on his hand, his beautiful hair spilling over his forearm. "Tell me."

I told him all about Bess and her take on my 'pattern'.

"One time a therapist told me that I would never find true love until my parents get divorced," Morrison said. "They have a miserable marriage and she believed that I was subconsciously sabotaging my relationships because I didn't feel like I deserved to be happy until my parents were."

"Ohhh," I said, "that's deep."

Morrison nodded and sipped his drink. "But if I'm really being honest with myself," he smirked, "I think I don't want to be in a relationship because I'm too horny."

I laughed. "Speaking of..." I told him all about my trip to LA and Ian.

"Why didn't you just sleep with him when you had the chance?" Morrison said.

I shrugged. "I'd just cut ties with my ex. I was all emotional and mixed up. I didn't want to complicate things. But I feel much clearer now. Like I could just go and have a good time with Ian and not make it into a bigger thing than it needs to be."

"I get it," Morrison said. "So what are you going to wear when you see him?"

I laughed. "I've been agonizing over that for the last few days! I don't know. It's going to be warm-ish out there, so that kind of throws me off. And it's LA, which has such a different vibe than New York. I feel like I should run all the nominees by you."

"I think you should," Morrison said.

I laughed again, then realized he wasn't joking. "Wait? Are you serious?"

Morrison shrugged. "If you want me to. I love that sort of thing."

I was feeling all warm and silly from the martini, so I said why not.

We paid for our drinks and made our way to my apartment. Morrison wanted another drink when we got there, so I poured us both a glass of wine and led him into my bedroom.

I pulled out my first choice, a pair of oversized white leather shorts that I'd snagged at a crazy good price from Ruelala, and a grey t-shirt.

"With black peep toe booties?" I asked.

Morrison shook his head. "Those are cute for like, brunch with your friends. But a guy is going to think that looks like a fucking diaper."

He was so right. I took another sip of wine, feeling invincible. Man, I was so smart to get his opinion.

"Okay what about this?" I pulled out a pair of distressed boyfriend jeans and this cool white silk top that dipped down low in the back.

"That's hot," Morrison said. "Let me see it on."

I paused for a second, waiting for him to leave the room so I could undress. When he didn't, I figured, eh, whatever, it's no different than if Nina were sitting there.

Still, I turned around when I pulled off my top. I was just about to put the white tank on when I felt Morrison's hands around my waist. Instinct kicked in and I shoved him off.

"What are you doing?" I spun around, clutching my shirt to my chest.

"What do you mean, what am I doing?" Morrison grinned. He took a step closer and tried to get handsy again. I slapped him away.

"Aren't you gay?" I asked.

Morrison's eyebrows jumped halfway up his forehead in surprise. "Gay?! I'm not gay."

"Oh my God," I said. "Can you turn around so I can put this on?"

Morrison didn't move so I repeated myself, much more shrilly this time. When his back was to me I pulled my shirt on quickly.

"Okay," I said, once I was clothed again. "This is really awkward. I thought because of all the styling advice and the—"

"I work in fashion," Morrison said, huffily. He delivered the word 'fashion' with dramatic flair, exactly the way a straight guy would. That is sarcasm, people.

"I thought you were interested in Kevin!" I said.

"Kevin?" Morrison reeled back, like what I'd suggested was so off the wall. "My co-worker was. That's why we invited you two." He held up his hands. "You're not really my type, honestly, but you invited me up here and you were all on that kick about how you don't want a relationship, just sex, so I thought that's why I was here."

I covered my face with my hands. "This is so uncomfortable. I'm sorry. You should just go."

"Fine by me," Morrison said. As he was walking out, he shrieked, "And those jeans are hideous!"

I held up the jeans and gave them a good hard look. He was kind of right. I threw them in the bag I reserve for Goodwill donations. I swear I will actually get around to taking it to Goodwill one day.

At least Morrison gave me some good advice before he stormed out! No diaper, no overworked jeans. Check, check. I set to work finding my new perfect LA outfit that would be sure to knock Ian right out of his hipster-y Chucks.


  1. hahahah! I loved this post! Morrison is just a horndog! LOL

    And I loved that you threw in Morrison's A hole response of your not really my type but you invited me up here so I figured what the hell sex is sex!

    All the people that complain that Josie has everyman interested in her can rest easy now!

  2. What is it with Josie assuming that someone is gay? This is the second time, first with Richard and now Morrison. She needs to get her facts straight before just blurting that out. Also, who just divulges their life to someone they don't know. She hardly knows Morrison but feels the need to share her situation with Ian, therapy and what she is looking for. Now wonder the poor guy thought she was inviting his to her apartment for no strings sex. I'm glad Ashley is getting help but Josie needs a little help as well. Here's hoping to a fun couple days with Ian.

    1. To be fair, with Richard, it was Kate who said that he was gay. Josie just believed her.

    2. That's true but in my opinon until a person explicitly tells you "i'm gay" you should not just go by what someone you don't even know says. I have a high school male friend, who we all knew was gay but we never said anything until he came out and told us. There were many times I could've stated to him that he's gay but that wouldn't be right. Just saying that you shouldn't assume or blindly believe someone that a person is gay unless you are completely sure.

  3. How could someone make that mistake twice? It is like assuming someone is pregnant and putting your foot in your mouth, you only do that once!

  4. LMAO LMAO hahahahahaha cant wait to read what happens with Ian, i hope she makes sure he is there and wants to see her before she goes looking for him and gets blown off. That would suck. Great Post!!!!

  5. This kinda reminds of the Nanny episode when Fran had a guy friend over she thought was gay and was trying on outfits for him...he ovbiously wasn' I digress. I wish Josie wouldn't just assume that someone is gay, regardless of their mannerism, field of work or intersts (in this instance fashion). Get to know a person first before drawing conclusions!!!! I like that Ashley is working on her issues and Josie is willing to help her. Hopefully they can reclaim their friendship and have fun times together. Onto Josie's adventures in LA, can't wait to read what happens with Ian and with her business meetings.

  6. Hilarious! I knew he was straight....just KNEW it! mum

  7. Hahaha loved this entry! I was surprised Morrison wasn't at least bisexual, but his response of 'you're not my type but what the heck, it's sex' was really funny - and a good silencer for 'every guy wants Josie -, as was Josie's blase response when he walked out. I kind of want Morrison to stay in the story, because he seems like an interesting character that Josie could maybe end up actually being friends with.

    I'm not a huge fan of how the therapy went - I think most professionals would keep it about the subject in question (Ashley) as opposed to switching to another person (Josie), though I think the idea of Josie going to therapy is great.

  8. Something about this post i never quite liked... i think its kinda naive for josie to have the guy all up in her bedroom and sharing wine with him ...all based off an assumption that he was gay. Not everybody u bring up into your personal space, i mean just how much did she know about him ?

    1. Agree with you! Also about discussing the session with the therapist

  9. Hi everyone! I just started writing my own blog and would love for everyone to check it out! I'm in the beginning stages so please comment and let me know what you think!! Thanks!!

    1. yayyyy i love blogs i def will take a look!

    2. I found the page, but I couldn't get to any entries from it :( I would love to read it though!

  10. That is not what therapy is like!!!!! A therapist would never bring in a friend to talk about your problems and have you leave the room, nor would a therapist ever just blurt out random guesses about your childhood like that. I get that this is a fictional story, but considering I am a therapist, I feel like I need to put it out there.

    Other than that, super entertaining post as always :)

    1. I agree! My parents are therapists, and I read that section with their would-be-incredulous thoughts in mind.

    2. I've even tried to bring other people into my session and my therapist discouraged it. I agree, this "therapy session" was not realistic at all! Most therapists are concerned with how the patient sees things.

  11. - Could totally see the Morrison thing coming... he's probably metro
    - She has been saying she lives on the Upper East Side the entire time... living in the same neighborhood as Barney's = Lenox Hill/ Borderline Midtown. 60s is not Upper East Side.
    - Confused on why the therapist allowed them to divulge into Josie's history when she was supposedly there for Ashley. Did Ashley just pay for Josie to have a private sesh with her therapist...?

    1. I was totally thinking Ashley set her up, too! Sure seemed that way, unless this is how the therapist gets new patients. mum

    2. A therapist gets new patients by having other doctors/people refer patients to him/her, NOT by tricking people into therapy. That would NEVER happen with an ethical therapist.

  12. Josie's faulty gaydar is a hilarious reminder that she's not a native city girl. I'm so excited for all the sex she's about to have with Ian, all the sexy sexy sex. It's so stressful to think that she might end up liking this new boss more than William and then not want to go with William to his new job. William is great!

  13. lmao....Josie has a non existant

  14. Haha, reminds me of an episode from the nanny!

  15. I feel like I missed something.. who's Ian?

    1. The guy she ran into at her high school reunion.

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